Guilt and Clowns {Dean}

[Sam Wincester]

They had been driving for days now, only taking a few breaks here and there. Music filled the air in the Impala, and tension was settling around the two brothers and Sam hated it. There was no denying that Sam needed to get some rest, but he couldn’t shut his eyes. Constantly they watched Dean and expressionless face, Sam knew better then bug him but this was his brother. They were both upset, their dad was gone and it had taken a toll on his brother. The only thing that he could do was keep his mouth shut, even when it was the last thing he wanted to do.

Nightmares clouded his vision of his dad on the floor, Dean hadn’t been there. It was all Sam’s fault, or at least he liked to think it was. All that anger he’d felt buried inside him, and his dad never even knew that he truly did love him back. Sam was drowning in guilt. His words and been nothing more than bitter and cold, and then death followed. It was more than Sam could bare, he wanted to take all of it back. Sam wasn’t made of magic though, only demon blood moving through his veins.

As he stared out at the darkened road Sam didn’t know what to do or say but the silence was killing him. “So…you haven’t mentioned where we’re going yet.” He tried clearing his throat while shifting uncomfortably in the seat. If Sam really wanted answers he could just read Dean’s thoughts, but he couldn’t do that to his brother. All he wanted was for everything to be okay, and right now they were far from that. Frowning he turned to look at his brother trying to study his features, find anything that would give away just how he was feeling but his brother was nothing more than a blank slate.

There had been more to Johns death, then trading places with Dean. Sam wasn’t stupid, he knew that Dean was hiding something from him. And Sam wasn’t assuming this based on the silence, no, it was the way Dean had kept looking at him. Now his brother’s eyes were only trained on the road, “I was thinking maybe we could stop I don’t know…” hands raised in the air as Sam tried to think of the first thing that came to mind. “find a decent place to sleep…maybe gamble a little…”

[Dean Winchester]

Dean was driving that black 1967 Chevy Impala through the darkness of the night that the bright headlights were cutting through. He let his music bounce as loud as it could go. He was thinking about everything that had happeend. He got his car fixed but he wasn't as happy about it as he could be. His Dad, it was just a haunting memory. What he told him about Sammy and everything else and then him suddenly dying. It wasn't normal and he knew it..but he just couldn't handle it right now.

Dean just felt like there was this big empty pit in his stomach. Hell right now he didn't even let Sam drive, he just wanted something to keep his mind off of it but on open roads like this it was just to hard to not think about it. He just let the music blare inside of his head to drive the thoughts of his dad out of his head. Then Sam began to talk and Dean just didn't want to listen to him. He didn't want to listen to anyone right now, he just didn't want any of this right now.

"No.." He said to respond of the getting somewhere to sleep and gamble some. "We are going to work a job at a circus for someone...Bobby knew." He said almost saying Dad but just couldn't do it. He didn't know when but right now he couldn't bring himself to mention his father.

[Sam Wincester]

The moment he spoke, Sam knew it had been the wrong idea. The look that crossed Dean’s face was one he knew only too well. Guilt was stabbing away at him, Dean wouldn’t be like this right now if only he’d listen. Just listen Sammy, that’s what his brother only asked of him and he couldn’t even manage to do that. He was probably nothing short of a disappointment, which is why he needed to find a way to make it up to his brother. He would’ve given anything in this moment to take everything back, Dean could be his happy stubborn self and Sam the passenger. It would be just like old times, they’d still be chasing down their dad and have the occasional fight. Sam could already feel an argument brewing in the car, but this wasn’t an ordinary fight.

The volume kept on rising and Sam could do nothing, he knew how much his brother needed to listen to the music. But Sam wasn’t stupid, he could tell that it was helping Dean in the least bit. “Wait did you say the circus? There’s…” He couldn’t bring himself to say it, Sam hated clowns and with good reason. It was for this very reason that Sam usually avoided places where clowns liked to flock. The circus of course was just a family reunion for clowns in his opinion. Of all places and Dean had to pick a circus, and he couldn’t even complain about it. This was just great new for him, so he looked out the window for a moment trying to clear his thoughts before looking at Dean. “Sounds good.” His voice was straining as he said this. The only thing he could do was change the subject.

This could prove to be more of a challenge than he liked, it was either the circus or talking about their dad. Sam didn’t like either one, but he couldn’t let his brother go on like this. He knew the moment he brought it up he’d be a dead man. “Bobby knew…you mean Dad right? Then okay it’s what he would’ve wanted.” He tried to keep his eyes down pretending that they were having a normal conversation, but this was far from normal. “Look Dean if you want to talk about it…I’m here.” That was a lame thing to say and Sam knew it. But he had to say it whether Dean liked it or not.

[Dean Winchester]

Dean just smiled at Sam as he realized what the circus was. "That's true you have that thing with clowns don't you? Haha! Come on man, you still cry when you see Ronald McDonald on tv." He said as he looked over at Sam and smiled at him. He then moved the subject by saying it sounded good. He was trying to act a little happier then he really was because he had to put up that face for Sam. Couldn't let him see how cracked he really was about this whole death thing. No this was just him.

Dean then felt his heart go up into his throat as Dad's name come out. He then looked over at Sam and then he just looked forward. "Drop it Sammy." He said as he continued to drive and felt his foot dropping heavier on the gas as he sped that the small highway. He didn't want to talk about his dad, about his death, yellow eyes, the colt, anything. He just wanted it to be over but of course nothing was ever that easy.

Then Sam made the worst mistake. He told him if he needed to talk, he was there. "I'm fine Sam!! I swear if one more person asks me if I'm ok or if I need to talk. I'm going to start swinging." He almost screamed at Sam. He hated when people brought it up.

[Sam Wincester]

He knew Dean took pleasure I joking with him about clowns, it always had to be clowns. They had painted evil faces that he just couldn’t shake from his memory. All of them were creepy, waving at children and trying to get them to come over. Really he just didn’t understand how Dean wasn’t afraid of them. Sam glared at his brother, “at least I’m not afraid of planes.” Their fears were both s somewhat unreasonable but it didn’t matter.

At least they could manage to poke fun at each other for a while, and it was good to hear his brother laugh again even if it was at him. The last thing he expected was for his brother to shed a smile. Maybe the old Dean was back after all, then again maybe not. Sam of course had to ruin the moment just to bring up their dad.

That had been a stupid move on his part, and now he was going to have to put up with an angry Dean for the rest of the car ride. So far this was turning out to be a very long drive at that, Sam wasn’t sure how they could continue on like this. Eventually they’d be at each other’s throats, and Sam didn’t have to use his psychic powers to see that.

But Sam wasn’t going to just drop it, and Dean probably knew that. So he braced himself for the worst, “No…you’re not fine Dean. You don’t think I can see it but I do. What happened to Dad…your angry and you’re not dealing with it.” There was no off switch on Sam, once he started it was almost impossible to stop him. Suddenly the car seemed a lot smaller now, as they talked.

[Dean Winchester]

Dean got defensive when Sam mentioned his fear of planes. "Planes crash!" He yelled back at Sam. Then his little brother replied back with the fact they were on a case of clown murders. To that Dean could only shrug along with it. Dean liked this, even though he was really faking most of it. He just couldn't handle the fact of acting like it was getting to him. He couldn't let Sammy see he was hurting, he was suppose to be the strong one in the team.

Dean just continued to drive. He didn't want to talk about his Dad something he knew Sam was circling that topic and it was pissing Dean off. He was about to start an arguement or something to stop the Dad topic from coming up. He just couldn't handle talking about the man. It was to hard for him to think about. The fact that he thinks he Dad might have sold his soul for him and what he told him about Sammy. It was just always on his mind.

As Sam talked Dean just glared at him. "Sam how about this, how about we start by telling you to stop pushing you crap out on me. How you've suddenly become this obedient son. Sam two weeks ago you could care less with what Dad had to say now it's suddenly your down and out for the family business?" He said blowing up on Sam.

[Sam Wincester]

Planes were most definitely on Dean’s hate list if he had one, Sam knew it was the reason why they drove everywhere. It had nothing to do with having road trips for fun, or exploring new places, it was simply that Dean would not fly. But Sam didn’t mind, in fact he liked driving around with his brother, it was more or less their thing. Driving from place to place was all Sam had come to know growing up, and changing that would’ve been too weird for his liking. “Yeah and apparently clowns kill.” Even in this light hearted conversation he knew his brother was faking it. Neither of the Winchesters were any good at hiding their feelings, at least not from each other.

“And I cried seeing Ronald just once, and I like three Dean.” He really hated it when his brother mentioned that. When he was younger a lot of things scared him, and being afraid of the dark had taken on a whole new meaning. Innocent kids were relieved knowing that monsters didn’t exist, but Sam wasn’t given that luxury. He gave Dean an annoyed looked after the clown bit, but it was better than nothing at all. Then he looked over at his brother who was glaring at him now, “What?” But he knew exactly what was going through Dean’s mind.

And then it had started, Sam had been successful in getting his brother angry. Now he was blowing up in Sam’s face about it, which only confirmed just how right he had been. “Well Dean maybe I’ve been having second thoughts. I’m doing this for him alright, do you have a problem with that? At least I’m trying to do something, we’ve been driving for days and you haven’t even said anything.” Sam wouldn’t shout at Dean, he couldn’t.